There’s so much parenting advice out there promising to make life perfect. Kids will magically listen. Parents will have all the peace in the world. It will be easy, and fun. Kids will develop, flourish, and become prodigies. Everyone will be happy all the time. There will be no problems. Actually, the big problem is that all this parenting advice is contradictory. Well, that and it doesn’t work as well as advertised.
So, what can you do to support your kids while maintaining (or reclaiming) your own sanity? We all want to do what’s best for our families, right? That can be easier said than done when the best options are unclear and the follow through it… ahem… a challenge at best. I’ve got your back. In this article I will share the most effective thing you can do as a parent. This is a big one. It even has the magical power to shift daily struggles to a better, thriving life.
This parenting advice may not be 100% magic, but it’s close.
Okay, so here’s the big parenting advice hack: work on your own brain.
It’s not about the kids or what they’re doing. No, this isn’t even about their personalities, quirks, or unique attributes and needs. This is about you, the parent. The hard truth is that our kids have free will. They get to choose how they behave. All their thoughts, words, and actions come from them. Of course, we as parents have a responsibility to guide them. We get to set boundaries, provide structure, and make decisions about how to respond to their choices. However, we can’t force them to do, not do, or think in any certain way.
Hard truth: kids are people who choose their own thoughts, words, and actions.
No, this doesn’t mean we let them do whatever they want and move on. Working on your own brain is about being aware of the thoughts that drive your emotions and behaviors. As parents, we have control over all our own thoughts, words, and actions, too. Yes, even when it feels like we don’t have control, we do. It may just talk a little more effort and practice.
The good news is that we can learn these skills of awareness and adaptation right alone with our children. We can set an example for them to follow. After all, they are already exposed to the examples we are showing them all day long. Are these the examples we want them to follow? Is there anything we would prefer to change for ourselves and them? We all have that opportunity.
Now, let’s get more into the details of this brain changing and life changing parenting advice.
One of the biggest frustrations I see in practice and in life deals with expectations. Parents have expectations of how kids should act and who they should be. The problem with this is that not a single person, child or adult, could ever fulfill all those expectations. When they aren’t met, it leads to all kinds of unfair, negative thoughts and emotions. In short, it’s not pleasant. Save yourself (and everyone involved) the misery.
Drop the expectations. Instead, try to notice what makes your kids who they are. What are their preferences? How do they think? What do they do? Exchange the expectations for curiosity. This simple shift will bring so much more peace and appreciation.
That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.
It’s not going to be perfect. Sometimes it will be downright challenging. That’s okay. You’re completely capable and have everything you need. Plus, there’s a trick to make the transition a little easier.
While you’re dropping the expectations of the little people, drop the expectations of yourself. Changing thought patterns takes time. This is especially true when they have been reinforces for a long time. Consider what you were taught throughout childhood. How were you parented? Are these patterns you want to continue and pass down to your own children? If you try hard enough, chances are there will be a mix. You will be able to identify some things about your childhood you want to repeat with your own children. There will also be some you want to do everything in your power not to repeat.
You get to choose.
Now it’s time for you to decide the parent you want to be. In an ideal world, how would you interact with your kids? How would you feel, and what would you be thinking? What would your life be like as a parent and as a person beyond the parent? Remember, you have the power to become that parent because you get to choose your own thoughts and actions.
So, how do you follow through and become the parent you want to be?
Make some lists.
For the first list, identify all the things you are currently doing or thinking that you like. This is very important – do the positive one first. We all know what’s coming next. Be patient, set that aside. Focus on all your thoughts and actions that are serving you as a parent. What is going well? Are there any thoughts and actions that get you closer to being the parent you want to be?
Before moving on, pause. Take a moment to appreciate yourself. Appreciate what is going well. Know that you have something to do with all that is going well. You have the power to control yourself. This means you can continue to think and do all the things on this list.
Now the fun part: Choosing thoughts.
You also have the power to change any thoughts or actions on the next list. Consider that reality before you start. Remember it throughout the process. Now, make a list of all the things you are currently doing or thinking that you do not like. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Afterall, you are human. What thoughts and actions do not serve you as a parent? Is there anything you would like to improve? What would need to change for you to become the parent you want to be? This is where it gets a bit more interesting.
You have probably already guessed the next step. After identifying what to keep and what to toss, it’s time to make changes. Easier said than done, you may be thinking. Trust me, I get it. A lot of life and other stuff can stand in the way. Good intentions only go so far.
Two of the biggest roadblocks to following through with this parenting advice are stress and being depleted.
Parenting is big responsibility. Kids have a lot of needs that are ever changing. The external environment of today poses some extra challenges for parents. Trust me when I say I get it. More importantly, trust me when I say you can do it – no matter what challenges stand in your way.
I know what you’re thinking. There’s a thought popping up in your mind right now. It’s telling you all about a reason (or a million) why you can’t. What you may not notice initially is the other thought, or other thoughts. They’re telling you all the reasons you can make changes. Sadly, the cheerleader thoughts tend to be a lot quieter than the booing thoughts. Sometimes they’re hidden really well, especially when we’re conditioned to listen to the booing.
Being aware of your thoughts, and choosing them, doesn’t mean forcing some away. That doesn’t work!
Take a moment to acknowledge those thoughts telling you all the reasons you can’t make changes. Listen to the for a bit. They’re basically providing you with a blueprint of all the obstacles you may have to overcome. That’s great! Once you’re aware of potential obstacles you can start planning how to overcome them. Thank those thoughts and send them on their way. There’s no use in dwelling on them because you will find a way.
Next, find those thoughts telling you all the reasons you can make changes. You have done hard things in the past, right? Consider all the things you have done and overcome. You’re amazing, and you’re completely capable of accomplishing your goals. Are there any thoughts providing clues of how to overcome the challenges? Some of those simple ideas could make a huge difference.
With a little more awareness of thoughts, let’s get back to the part about stress and being depleted.
Stress and Parenting Advice
I have done a ton of research on stress over the years. It has been a cornerstone in my work with clients. This is because it impacts literally every area of health and life. It impacts physical and mental health, relationships, success, happiness, everything.
A relaxed state is the opposite of a stressed state. However, it’s not black and white. There’s a gray scale that ranges from completely relaxed to completely stressed. The sad reality is that most people walking around today don’t know, or have forgotten, what it’s like to be completely relaxed. Most people walk around with some level of stress all day long and hold on to that while sleeping at night. This leads to less-than-ideal days and poor sleep at night.
If you take one small piece of all this parenting advice, address the stress.
Find a way (or many ways) that works for you to unwind. Do it regularly. The time isn’t going to magically appear often enough so make the time. You cannot be the parent you want to be when you are stressed. If you can, we need to have a conversation because one of two things is happening. Either your life could be way better than you’re envisioning or you’re a magical stress unicorn.
I know there is generally a bit of guilt tied to relaxation and stress relief strategies with parents. There can also be stress around the pressure of reducing stress. It doesn’t have to be that way. Stress relief can be simple. It can happen all throughout the day with little time and effort. Further, big opportunities for relaxation aren’t self-indulgent. They serve everyone and the world because the people taking advantage of them can show up in bigger, better ways. Also, even if they are self-indulgent, it’s okay. It can even be good to go for the big, indulgent opportunities. The main thing here is that you find what works best for you and do it as often as needed, minimum.
Why is it so important to manage stress?
The blunt truth is that you can’t be your true self with a high stress level. You also can’t be the parent you’re capable of being with long-term stress.
These ideas of stress relief are in line with the idea of being depleted.
Being Depleted and Parenting Advice
Far too many parents care for kids at the expense of themselves. It doesn’t have to be like that. It’s possible for parents to recharge themselves while providing for the needs of children. The details of this will look different depending on the age of the child, but the concept is the same.
Consider for a moment that every human has needs. There are the basic human needs of things like food, water, and shelter. Then there are other needs such as safety and positive interaction with other humans. To really be well, humans need things like regular stress relief and a sense of purpose.
Keeping a Full Tank
Think of a fuel tank in a car. Driving without stopping for gas drains the tank. Eventually, the tank will be depleted. When that happens, the car will sputter to a stop. Humans are similar. We can run around all day accomplishing tasks and providing for others if we start the day with our tanks full of all our needs. However, many parents wake up with dangerously low or empty tanks.
Filling and refilling our own tanks is non-negotiable as parents. We can’t properly care for kids when our tanks are empty. It’s also damaging to physical and mental health, relationships, and overall wellbeing. What’s more, it’s simply not pleasant. What needs do you have that are not being met? Find ways to fulfill your needs and do them regularly.
Relaxation and Tank Filling Overwhelm
All this stress relief and tank filling business may seem like too much. Know that you can make it happen. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Stress levels can fluctuate without causing too many issues. Tanks don’t need to be 100% full all the time. Things happen. What’s important is that stress levels are not elevated long-term. Tanks can’t be empty all the time.
Take notice of when your stress level begins to rise. Then, make relaxation a priority. Monitor your tank of needs throughout the day. When it starts to dip too low, do something to refill it. At least bring it up a little if you can’t completely fill it. The more of this you can do the better your days will be. As it related to parenting advice, this is the best thing you can do.
Look, you are the person in the best position to know what is best for your kids. If you are relaxed and your tank is full, you will be able to see it clearly. With a lot of stress in the way, and with an empty tank, it’s impossible to see clearly, assess, analyze, make good decisions, and follow through.
Parenting Advice and Support
Sometimes it’s hard to find ways to relax and satisfy our needs. Parenting can feel lonely. It can feel overwhelming. If you’re feeling alone and overwhelmed, chances are you are just under supported. You don’t have to do it all by yourself.
This blog post relates to life (parenting advice for a better life). Here are some more blog posts related to the word “life” (but not parenting advice) from other sites:
A Radiant Life By MelAnn of Grace and Rapture
https://graceandrapture.com/publish/post/44999942
Living a More Connected Life By Amy Cobb
https://www.tayloredintent.com/blog/living-a-more-connected-life
Pursuing Life By Jessica Weaver
www.rootedunrooted.com/blog/pursuing-life
Embrace Eternal Life in Jesus Christ By Lisa Granger
https://lisamarcelina.net/embrace-eternal-life-in-jesus-christ
Living a Life Well Worth Living By Lori Shoaf
https://www.lorishoaf.com/stories-to-encourage/living-a-life-well-worth-living.
1% Living Every Single Day By Dianne Vielhuber
https://simplewordsoffaith.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=10546&action=edit
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